Ask me.  That's all.  Just ask me.

I can not express how glad I am that school is back in session.  Right now it is all that matters.  School.  Finishing school, getting a job.  That is what I have got to do.  Even if at times I feel that everything is falling down around my ears and no one really understands, I have to finish this.   I guess I have got no excuse not to now.  I have no distractions.  I have no one competing for my time.  So I will finish.  I will finish strong.  It will be a good semester.  Somewhere everything will make sense and come clear, but I cant worry now.  I cannot dwell on everything.  Life is good and I am living it.  Everything is goin to be alright.

You ever felt like crap and felt like the whole world is falling apart?  That is how I have been feeling lately.  Things have changed and well, they are not what I expected them to be at this point.  I know that they will be better.  I know that one day the ache in my chest and head will be gone.  The anxiety and worries will disappear.  Right now it is a hard go, but one day everything will be alright.  A few minutes ago I got to thinking about a friend.  He is going through many things right now.  His struggles are so much greater than mine.  I really feel for the guy and I pray for him daily.  I know it may sound bad but I look at him and am thankful that I am not going through what he is.   

Moving on, or just barely moving?

So I thought that I had everything under control.  I thought that I had it all figured out, and I thought that I was ok.  Turns out that I am not.  I am not ok.  School starts on Monday and that will be a really good change.  This will finally be my last semester of school.  I know that it has taken me forever, but I would not have changed a thing.  not a single thing.  I am torn like an old sweater, but life will be ok.  Everything is going to turn out.  It wont be what I expected it to be but it will be good.

If you ask questions and get no answers should you keep asking questions or just come to the realization that you will never get answers.  I guess I will just keep the questioning to myself.

This past week was the best week of my summer up to this point.  I took a very much needed week off from work, and I went to middle Tennessee to visit some friends.  I don't know what I expected or wanted.  I just went hoping to just relax and not think quite so much.  And for the most part this is what I got.  Although I did sit and talk out some stuff that is happening in my life.  Its good to know that even though everything is falling down around your ears, people still care and love you.  That's one thing I learned this week.  I am loved.  I just hope I am half the friend that my friends are...

This last week I have been floating, just kinda adrift.  Not sure of where I am.  I have totally lost my bearings.

I am sitting here with so much on my mind.  I am confused and bothered by so much stuff right now.  Most of it has to do with the world we in which we live, in general.  I just want to yell.  I want to walk outside and scream at the top of my lungs, but I know that wont make anything better.  It wont fix anything.  I wont have a great relief from this stress and everything else that I am feeling.  I would like to punch a kitten. I want the world to be right.  I want Doc Brown to come running up to be with plutonium, a flux capacitor and a DeLoreon DMC-12...

3 words.  I heard/read them the first time in a long time the other night... I know everything isn't all better, but that is a start.

Music.... I love music.  This was gonna be a post all about how the music that I listen to is better than what you listen to...  but that's not right.  That is kinda mean.  Just listen to whatever you want to.  Listen to what makes you happy.  If Taylor Swift and other over produced stuff makes you happy, well, listen to it.  To each their own...  I know that I am a music snob and I get kinda bothered when bands that I like hit it big and change their sound,.. but that is not a way to be.  Music is awesome... I love music...

All I want is one thing.  One thing in this entire world.  She has her dreams and wants and needs and I have mine.  She is fulfilling her's.  Mine are taking longer than anticipated and it is no one's fault but my own.  This is so much harder than anything else in my life.  I am lost and doing what I have to.  I have to do school, I have to graduate.  That is what I have got to do right now.  Maybe once that is done, everything will fall back into place. I pray that it does.  One thing... I could have absolutely nothing in life and still be utterly happy.

What is love?  noun-

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

Paul writes-

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:1-13)

This has been in my head lately.  I keep thinking about it.  I am tired of throwing the word 'love' around like it can cover everything.  I say I love my family and that I love steak, but I can not love the both in the same way.  I really like steak, I do not love it.  There is a difference between like and love.  Love can do many things.  I want to love like Christ.  I want to love others the way that Christ loves me.  I want to stop judging folks so quickly.  I want to love those who I claim to love like they deserve to be loved.  I want to stop being short with people.  I want to really love...  I hope I love like I should.  I catch myself wondering if I love enough.  If I am living up to my words.  I hope I am....  I may add to this later...  I want to expound on it, but i want to publish it too... 

This week has not been a very fun week.  There are times when I am ok and then there are times when I am on the verge of a breakdown.  I just want things to be normal and without stress and without fear.  For once in my life I am scared.  I am down right petrefied.  Right now I am doing everything that I can.  I am staying in the Word and am praying and that is what I can do right now.  I want God's will.  The sad thing is that I am not very sure what that is right now.  I think I know.  I am pretty sure of it, but then doubt creeps in. I feel like I am stuck in a sad movie and I am waiting on the good part at the end where it isn't sad anymore.  That is all that I am waiting on.  I am gonna sit here and eat my popcorn and wait. 

People...

Ok.  So this is some stuff that I have been writing over the last few weeks and just have not had time to type out til right now.  If anyone knows me they know that I am kind of a people watcher.  I am not a creeper or anything.  I just like to observe people.  Maybe I am a little strange for that, but everyone watches people a little.  Those people are just afraid to admit it.

     Ok, so there is this guy in my classes who should maybe be beaten with a stick.  He is your fairly typical frat boy wanna be.  Shaggy hair, two day scruff, collar popped, you know the kind.  So he is talking in class about all of the colleges he has flunked out of or been kicked out of.  This guy has been to more colleges that me, evidently.  If anyone talks about anything or anyone then he always puts it down and talks about how dumb or stupid it is.  (ok.. I admit, I am as guilty as anyone at this) The other day we are in Historiography.  I sit in the middle of the second row and he sits right in front of me.  This class is not the most stimulating.  I make sure that I drink a red bull or other energy drink before I go in there.  So yeah. He sits on the front row directly in front of the teacher.  This one day it is fairly hot in class.  It was about 95 outside.  We are in class and this joker lays his head down on the desk and sleeps.  On the front row!  That just totally blew my mind.  That shows absolutley no respect for the professor.  Once this class ended I wanted to walk up the Mr. Thompson, our instructor, and shake him.  I did.  He should have sent the kid outside.  I personally may have told him to not come back. 
     Same class, different day.  We were talking about people who impacted history and we were comparing W.E.B. Dubois and Booker T. Washington.    Mr. Thompson asked a question and I answerd it 'Duboy' and the kid says 'no, its dubwah'.  This was the middle of class in front of everyone.  I told him that yes he was correct for the french, but the founder of the NAACP pronounced his name 'Duboy'.  So I am kinda fuming that someone would call me out in front of an upper level class and tell me I am wrong.  Its one thing if I am wrong, but in this situation I was correct.  THEN, I was sitting and we were about 15 minutes into class and he is fooling with his phone.  He hands it back to me and says 'here, look'.  It was the pronunciation guide on how to say the name.  I wanted to sling it against the wall... 

yeah.. That is really it.  That's what happened.  I may start a comic series based on this guy.  I could write a lot.  There is a bunch more that I have that I could write, but I will save it for later. 
Hope everyone has a great and wonderful day.

Races...

     I am sitting here on campus at Dalton just kinda taking a break from school work.  Today really feels like fall outside.  I am attempting to kinda shut down my brain for a few minutes and just chill.  As hard as I try to do this, I cant.  It is just not happening.  As I try to slow everything down all I can think about is what I am doing and where I am going and what I am attempting to accomplish.  I am currently living my life the best way I know how.  Every day I work and go to class.  I wish that I could work a few more hours and have a lil more money, but that just can not happen right now.  Every day I am working on school work.  Every day I am studying.  I am either reading or writing something for class.  Daily I am in a professor's office or the library. 
     I know that there are those out there who will scoff at me and tell me to cry them a river.   That is not what I am trying to do.  People will say that these are everyday, run of the mill, things.  I know that they are.  They are, however, things that I was not doing before this semester.  I always talked a big game when the semester started and would fall to the wayside by a couple of weeks in.  I was trying to just get by, but in that I was not accomplishing anything at all.  I was not even 'getting by'. 
  Right now I have so much motivation to finish this race strong.  I want to make people proud of me, I want to accomplish something.  I even want to prove things to people.  Those who are negative and doubting me.  I want to prove them wrong.  
     I started this race hard and fast, but somewhere I fell.  I lost the course.  I am back up on my feet, thanks to some genuine friends and outside motivation.  I am running harder than I ever have.  I may not win this race or have a great finishing time, but I will finish it. 


I know that this blog sounds like everything else I have ever writen.  I am sorry if anyone who reads this is bored.  I just had to sling ink to paper. 

The Real World or Who I am or Insert Title Here

The real world.  This concept is something that we have been told about all our lives.  'I can not wait to get in the real world', 'Just wait until you are in the real world'.  Where does it start?  What is it exactly?  My world feels pretty real right now.  I work everyday nearly 40 hours a week and go to school full time.  I have a few good friends and I have people in the world who are not real big fans of the Wilbur.  When I was young I wanted to be a fighter pilot.  I did not take my genes into account when I was six and made that decision.  I did not realize at the time that I would grow to be six foot and weigh 240.  That is quite a bit too big to be riding around in an F-14.  Here I am at 27 in my long awaited senior year of college.  Finally I feel like I am doing everything right.I am really excited about my life and where it will take me.  I hate that it has taken me this long, but I am here.  I can not dwell on what has already happened.  I can not keep going back to my failures when I get down.  I know what I want to do with my life, I know who I am going  to spend it with.  I have never, never felt as confident as I do right now. Rain will still fall, I will still slip, but I can get back up.  I know how to get back up.    I fully understand how this real world works.  I am just excited that I am finally starting to see who I am.  I have lived my whole life unsure about that.  Unsure of how I feel, unsure of how to react.  Right now, somewhere within the last few months I have found Will Bradley.  He is a man who wants to love people.  He is a man who wants to work in God's creation.  He is a man who has finally figured it out that it is better to please God than people. I could type on this all night.  If anyone reads this I hope that you get something from it.  I actually needed to put this down on digital paper.  It is something that I have been wanting to get out. Now, I have.

I wish that I could make this the coolest, most hip blog that you have ever read.  Maybe there happens to be someone out there who thinks that it is.  Maybe, per chance, there is someone who is patiently waiting for me to publish this post.  There are so many directions that I could take this particular post into right now. I could discuss the state of my life and  how things are really going better than they have in a while and how I actually and honestly have a new drive and desire in life and how I am figuring out who I really am and who I am supposed to be.  I could talk about how the Braves are in first in the division and how they really look good.  I could write about college football starting in a week.  I just do not know.  Maybe one day I will be able to make sense.  Maybe this will become something more than a public journal.  Maybe I will bring back the lists.  I love making my lists.  They make me smile.

Why does loneliness just creep in.  We don't even expect it, but then there it is.  it jumps up and gets you.  out of no where...  That is where I am right now.  I am totally surrounded by people, good people.  Friends.  But there is one who I miss so much that it just totally drowns everything else out.  So I sit here and type and sound like I am bipolar, but I am not.  I am just a guy who is in love.  1,500 miles is a long way.

Day 2

Ok. So yeah.  I am going crazy.  That is all.  Maybe it will be better tomorrow...  I doubt it.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I am going to class. Then work. Then I am going to drive to Cleveland to see the one I love. I am so excited. That is what makes everything better.