Holes shaped like love....

I have been trying to write this since last night. I have been sitting trying to put words down, but it has been hard. Yesterday evening at about 8:30 my mamaw closed her eyes to this world and opened them in the most beautiful place there is. My mamaw was the most precious person that I will ever have the privalege of knowing. The lady was under five feet tall but she was a giant. Next to my mom she has been the most influential woman in my life. My grandmother taught me to read my bible. She showed me the joy of sitting in silence and being with God. She was the most compassionate and kind person that I will ever know. She was a beautiful lady. Her family meant the most to her next to God. Last night I was sitting in the house thinking about my life with her. I was at Mamaw's house every day from the time I was born until the day I left home for college. She made the best fried chicken ever. I would put money on it. She made quilts. That was kind of her ministry. She would make quilts for children born into our church and for couples who were getting married. She was a woman who loved life and God and family. I know that this is short and I know that it does not do Mamaw justice. I just wanted to put something down so that everyone can see the woman who I knew and loved so much. Thank you guys for taking the time to read this.

My List

Last night Alyssa and I were talking and some how we got onto the conversation of what we love. We just started listing things out. This is my list. I have 25 things here and I could have went longer. The only rule was that this had to be things and not people. Here goes....

Things that I love, in no particular order. This list does not count people, just things.
1. Early morning drives when it feels like no one else exists except for you.
2. Old comfortable blue jeans. I have two pair.
3. The smell of rain.
4. Old cars
5. Good books
6. The unfiltered joy that is college baseball
7. Fishing with Dad
8. Friday nights in the fall
9. That little two week period in the early fall when the weather turns all cool and beautiful.
10. Opening day of baseball season.
11. Carhartt chore coats, I have three ranging from thread bare to brand new.
12. Bass Pro caps
13. The beautiful sight of a defensive lineman getting ear holed by a pulling guard
14. The smell of frying chicken at Mamaw’s house.
15. Mountain man beards
16. Rediscovering old music
17. Clint Eastwood cowboy movies
18. Mamaw’s quilts
19. I.B.C. Rootbeer in a bottle
20. The way girls smell good
21. Being so deep in the woods that no one except for yourself knows where you are.
22. That feeling I get every fall down deep in my soul that lets me know that it is football time.
23. Watching athletes and people in general who give their all knowing that they are going to come up short.
24. Pigeon Mountain, need I say more?
25. The sound of a train in the distance, wishing I could jump on.
26. The late night conversations with friends that truly love and care about me.

Banging My Head...

This weekend I was sitting around a fire with 11 of my best friends and I spilled my heart out. I have slowly come to grips with the reality that I do not know what I want to do after college. I am headed into my final year as a Histort Education major. I am almost finished and I can see the light at the end of this tunnel. The only problem with that is the light is a train. I have been doing this way too long to give up, and if I were to change my major my parents would kill me. I have to finish this. At this point in my life I really have no choice. Right now I have so much stuff on my mind and in my head. Maybe once I get into my student teaching I will regain the excitement that I had for teaching. Right now I am so thankful to have friends to discuss this with. They do not realize the help that they have been. This really has not been much of a post, but whatever I have put digital pen to paper. Good night S.E. Tennessee! Peace, love and hand grenades.

What I want to do

I want to run. I want to get away from everything that is surrounding me. I just want to go away and not have to worry about what anyone thinks. I want to pick up my pack and head out. I need time to clear my head. I want to figure things out. What do I do after this ride is over? Do I seek the one thing I want so much and risk giving up what I have? But then again, if I do leave I am missing parts of this ride that I am on here. I would risk losing this thing that I have built and am working on. It would be great to catch a ride to Blue Ridge or Suches and then be off. I could hit the A.T. and bring spring north with me. That is what I want to do. Its too cold right now, but i would do it if given the chance. Maybe I can do some time during spring break. Right now is just not a good time. There is a reason that I am here.

Here we are on the edge of a new year. Hope next year is alot like the last three months and nothing at all like the nine that came before that. It is going to be pretty good. I can feel it. I need to make a better effort in my classes next semester and I have got to quit being so scared. What is the worst that can happen.

Today is December 26 and I am ready to go back to Cleveland. Don't get me wrong. I love being at home and hanging out with the family. I just want to get started back with school. Im so excited for where this next semester is going to bring me. There is so much stuff going on. Im just ready to get it started. Part of why I am so ready to head back is that I miss people. You get used to being with people everyday and then you arent together any more. It hurts. It'll be okay. There isnt a whole lot of time left.

Five years ago tonight I experienced on of the greatest things ever. Some people may think this is pretty neat and others may say that Im a redneck but I don't care. My brother Justin, (J.B.) and I were out driving around our podunk little town looking for something to do. It had been rainy, much like this week, so we took his '85 Jimmy up on the mountain. This was the infamous 'Toy Box'. This was a S-10 style and not the full size, but it was a 4X4. So we get up to the top of the mountain and start driving back towards the top entrance when J.B. has this genius idea. We are ripping down the road, mud and water everywheres, when he sees this fairly large and deep mud hole on the side of the road. "I think we can take that hole". That's what he said. I, being the smart older brother that I am told him no and that he was a moron for thinking that. Well, that did not stop him. He cut a U-turn and went back to the mud hole. I told him it was a bad idea. I honestly tried to stop him. He pulls up to the hole and puts the Jimmy into four-wheel drive. I told him that if he was going to do it to go hard and stay right. There had obviously been a much larger vehicle to go through that hole recently. He guns the truck and we get about half way, mud flying. Then we stop. Then water starts running in under the doors. We sat there, not knowing what to do. All I could do was say 'I told you so'. We called everyone we knew to come pull us out. No one was available. We tried to get every body, anybody. Finally after about an hour of sitting there pondering what to do we decided to call Dad. My dad is a great man and I consider him one of my best friends. The only deal is that the man can not stand stupid people. At that moment we felt pretty stupid. So we call home and tell dad about what happend. He says 'O.K., I will be there in a bit'. That was it. All he said. So in the meantime its freezing. Spittin snow. Cold. water every where. Its dark. Finally at about 8 p.m. I hear my truck coming down the road. Its Dad. He pulls up next to us and just smiles. I really was not expecting that. So we hook the Jimmy up with a come-a-long and try to slowly pull it out. The come-a-long snaps. So then again we are out of luck. We have to load up in my truck and drive all the way to town and buy a tow-strap. Finally, two hours later we get back up to the Jimmy, which is still firmly planted in the red clay. Fifteen minutes later we are out. Dad walks up to the mud hole that we attempted to conquer and he just laughs. That was it. He laughed. We were waiting all night to get 'when I was your aged'. What we did not realize at the time was that he couldn't do that. He was us. He busted the front glass out of his Bronco when the chain snapped. He was 18. Stuck in a field not too far from where we were. He cut gates and wires down when people were trying to restrict public use of Pigeon, which is public land. He did things we never dreamed of doing. He climbed his 6'2" 270 pound self onto the top of the high school gym and painted God knows what. He had been there before. I was 20 and for the first time in my life realized that my dad was so much more like me than I knew. Other than coming home frozen and with red clay up to my arm pits it was a pretty good night.

I am sitting here thinking about stuff and how this year has gone. I am in a much better place right now than I was a year ago. Life has been pretty good here lately. I have found friends that never existed to me until last January. I have removed people from my life who only brought me down. I do not worry nearly as much as I used to and that is a good thing. I am still working on things, and life is not perfect by any means. I have found it hard to care about what others think of me. I am me and if you do not like it then that is your problem. I like who I am and who I am becoming. People can't get me down any more. There are very few things that I can not handle right now.

What causes a man to decide that life is not worth living anymore? How can you say 'okay, well, I'm finished'. How can life be that bad? Suff does suck at times but that does not really give a reason to end your life, does it?

Its been a long time

I used to have another blog. It was called 'Slightly Right of Center', and it was pretty good. I worked on it for the two years I was in college in south Georgia. I gave up on it when I came home. I got to thinking that I miss this. I miss getting to just put my thoughts and ideas down. I do not nessescarily do it for others to read, but if the do thats fine. I just want an outlet to write about what is going on or what is running through my head. It is now 1:36 in the A.M. and I have things to do tomorrow. Peace, Love, and Hand Grenades.