Why does loneliness just creep in.  We don't even expect it, but then there it is.  it jumps up and gets you.  out of no where...  That is where I am right now.  I am totally surrounded by people, good people.  Friends.  But there is one who I miss so much that it just totally drowns everything else out.  So I sit here and type and sound like I am bipolar, but I am not.  I am just a guy who is in love.  1,500 miles is a long way.

Day 2

Ok. So yeah.  I am going crazy.  That is all.  Maybe it will be better tomorrow...  I doubt it.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I am going to class. Then work. Then I am going to drive to Cleveland to see the one I love. I am so excited. That is what makes everything better.

Wow. It is the middle of spring and, well, I don't know what to say. I just can not believe how fast the last four months have gone by. School is going better than it has in a long time. Life is amazing. I just don't want summer to get here. I have work and school to keep me busy and to keep my mind off of it, but it is still going to be summer. Time keeps pushing us forward regardless of whether we want to go or not. I want to go forward, I like to think that I always have. Deep down, though, I know that is not true. Right now I have reasons to push forward, to do things right. I just want to find Doc Brown and have him take me to the future... The future is what I am running for. What I am longing for. I love the here and now. I do. I love every day. I just want to get life started.

The Book list

This week I have been thinking about music and books and what makes them good, or what makes a person like them. I have really never sat down and written out what my favorite books are. I have a bunch of books that I like and that I have read. This is by no means an exhaustive list. It is really just a list of the most memorable and meaningful books that I have read. There is no order, no best and worst of the best. The numbers are simply there in order to keep count.

1. A Walk in the Woods- Bill Bryson

This book is a great take on the Appalachian Trail. Bryson is rediscovering his native country and decides the best way to do that is to walk the trail. This is one book that has really given me a desire to hike the AT.

2. The Things They Carried- Tim O'Brien

This is O'Brien's memoir of the war in Vietnam. I read a short story from this book my senior year in high school. This book talks about the war and the reasons behind it, but it also digs deeper into the men who fought the war. I laughed and cried with this one.

3. The Road- Cormac McCarthy

Post apocolyptic/nuclear holocaust novel. McCarthy is one of my favorite authors. The chemistry and relationship between the father and son in this story is amazing. To what ends would you go to survive and protect the only thing that you have left?

4. A Walk Across America- Peter Jenkins

Jenkins has recently graduated college and is recently divorced in this book. He walks away from everything in 1973 to find the real America. This is another book that really makes me want to just walk. To throw on a pack and leave.

5. Bleachers- John Grisham

I love Grisham's law novels, but this is not a law novel. Bleachers is a book about small town life and football. I read it in next to no time. It is not a very intimidating read, but it is a great book.

6. The Daybreakers- Louis L' Amour

I know that L'Amour wrote a million books. I also know that many of his works run together. This book is my favorite of his. It is part of the Sackett series. It was the first L'Amour book that I read. It is one that you cant put down.

7. Ender's Game- Orson Scott Card

Book about a kid who has to save the world from aliens. What can get any better than that?

8. Monster- Frank Peretti

Peretti is a great author and this was the second book by him that I have read. It really makes you think about what is right and what is wrong. It also takes the whole 'If you have not seen it then it does not mean that it does not exist' idea into account.

9. Friday Night Lights- H.G. Bissinger

Everyone has seen the movie, but I recommend that you go out and get the book. If all else fails ask me and I will loan you the copy that my brother stole from our high school library. The book covers things that the movie could not. It goes into detail about the oil bust and the de-segregation that was taking place in Texas during the 1980's. The characters are deep and complex. These are real people. That is what makes this book so good is that it is real.

10. Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil- John Berendt

I always heard that this was one of those books that you should read if you like southern literature. I found it for a quarter and read it in two days. Part fiction part reality it is a book that kind of haunts you. I really like how the city of Savannah was as much a main character as anyone else.

11. The Orchard Keeper- Cormac McCarthy

This was McCarthy's first novel and may be his best. As I have stated before, I am a big fan of McCarthy and am tying to read all of his books. This book is in the same vein as William Faulkner and that is a good thing. It is another book that takes place in the south. Knoxville, Tennessee area to be precise. McCarthy paints this book, he does not write it. The characters and landscapes are beautifully written.

The Music List

Alyssa and I were discussing music yesterday. We got into the subject of favorite songs. What makes a favorite song? Everyone has songs that mean something, or that they just like for no reason. This is my list. Numbers in this list mean nothing. They are just there to keep track of things. These are my songs in no particular order.

1. Melissa- Allman Brothers Band

*No story behind this song for me. It is just a great song. I love it.

2. Lonesome, I know you too well- Shawn Mullins

* Great song, got me through hard times...

3. Rural Route- Chris Knight

* Describes the way that I feel quite often. All about being in the middle of no where.

4. Yellow Ledbetter-Pearl Jam
* Great guitar tone, McCready sounds like a combination of SRV and Jimi Hendrix on this one..

5. Alabama- Cross Canadian Ragweed

* I love the idea of this song. gives a feeling that i just cant explain..

6. Helpless- Neil Young

7. Box of Rain- Grateful Dead

I am tired, eyes are droopy, ill finish this later...

Jealousy...

I want one thing all of the time. Its not sex or drugs. Its not money or reassurance. It is to be with that one person. Just to be. To sit and talk. To sit and do nothing. To sit in silence. That is all that I want. I want that one thing so bad.

Football and life starts this week. Thursday is UTC's home opener, I may go. Just not sure right now. Florida kicks it off on Saturday against the College of Charleston. I am excited. I have been a huge University of Florida fan for a long, long, time. I'm 26 and I can not remember ever pulling for another college program. I got a Danny Wuerffel jersey for Christmas when I was in 6th grade. A week later I used it to wipe tears off of my face as UF got demolished by what may have been the best college football team ever in the 1995 Nebraska Cornhuskers. A year later I was wearing it when Danny Wuerffel, Ike Hilliard, and Terry Jackson totally anhialated the former all girls school in Tallahasee. So yeah, I am a die hard. I hate bandwagon jumpers. The guys who go after whatever team is hot at the time. There used to be a guy who was the biggest UGA fan you would ever meet. He seemed like a pretty good guy. After Florida won the 2006 Championship he was a new guy he totally renounced his loyalty to Georgia. That aint right. You have to dance with the one who brought you.

Willis' List of Favorite Gators (no historical guys, ie Spurrier, Collinsworth, Carlos Alvarez, just guys that I watched and have seen, no currents either.)


1. Danny Wuerffel- QB 1995 and 1996 All-American First Team 96 Heisman winner
2. James Bates-LB- #44, Total and utter butt kicker. Wasnt the most athletic but had a motor that never stopped. Second team All-SEC
3. Chris Doering-WR
4. Todd Johnson-FS 2-time All-American
5. Rex Grossman-QB Despite his mediocraty in the NFL Rex was the best QB in the country in 01 and 02
6. Travis McGriff-WR The white kid with the crazy speed. Made the circus catch seem mundane.
7. Jevon Kearse- OLB The Freak. Before he was a sack master in the NFL he was killing SEC QBs.
8. Fred Taylor-FB played in a pass happy offense but always gained positive yardage.
9. Lawrence Wright-SS- All-American
10. Billy Latchko-FB/LB did it all for the Gators in the early 2000's. Was a former walk-on who was all heart.

Thats my list. I know I left guys off, I could do this all day. I just dont have time.

This summer so far...

So yeah. I know that it has been forever since I last wrote anything on here. I have not been doing a whole lot of writting anywheres to tell the truth. I have been busy working two jobs and trying to scrape and save every cent that I can. This summer has been pretty good. It has been one of the busiest of my life. All is going well. Climbing on an airplane a week from Thursday. I have never been on one, but theres a first time for everything. I miss my friends right now. Some are not too far away to hang out with, but others are either far away or are moving that way. Life changes. Nothing stays the same. That is one thing that I have learned during my 26 years of existance. You may think that you have everything figured out but then you don't. Sometimes its not good, sometimes it is. We get ourselves in a lot of situations, but sometimes God steps in and turns that just a little and tweaks things and the coming out is a whole lot better than the going in. I know that I am not perfect. I know that I have spent plenty of time running from God. I had a time when I pretty much hated God. I hated him for a place that me and my own actions had gotten me in. God never leaves us. We are the ones who walk away. No matter where we go he is there. Psalm 139 tells us this. This has been very rambling, sorry bout that. This is what has been on my heart. Im gonna keep goin...
So yeah having hate in your heart is a very bad thing. Hating people and just having a total disdain for them only eats you up. The other party doesnt care, they are probably moving on with their life and dont worry about you any more. Its better to move on and forget things and let it go. We have to learn to let go of things. We have to put things down and get rid of them. We cant treat this stuff like a backpack where we can take it off and put it on when we feel like it. Give it up to God. Our sins and transgressions are from as far as the east and west when we give them to God. Okay... Im out. Got to do work tomorrow. Peace, love and handgrenades.
Willis A.

That Guy

Yesterday the question came up over whether I am a 'redneck' or not. I guess that all depends on what your defenition of redneck is. I do not particularly know what I am. I am just me. Thats all I care to ever be. Will Bradley. The good guy, the guy who you can always count on. The guy who knows how to have a good time, but also knows when to shut his mouth and listen. I just want to live my life and do the best that I can. I want to serve my God the best that I can. I want to strive to do the best by His word and His plan for my life. That is all I want. That is all that I want to be.

Where I Belong...

Yesterday I got back into Cleveland after a trying weekend to say the least. God is so good and amazing. He has been such a comfort to me over the past week. I am so thankful to my friends who have texted and called me with support and words of encouragement and mourning. I have said it before but I have the best core group of friends in the world. I have the best group of people surrounding me right now than I have ever had in my life up to this point. This is not saying that friends from the past were not good people or that they were bad friends. Im surrounded by a group of friends who are better over all. If that makes any sort of sense. These guys are blunt and cut to the core. They build me up when I need it and they knock me down when I get too tall for my own good. They have cried with me and they have danced with me. They listen to my hopes and fears and they offer their shoulders to cry on. They laugh at my stupid jokes and tell stupid jokes of their own when I need it. They are not perfect, nor have they ever claimed to be. They love me for who I am and for who I have the capacity to be. They walk to the post-office at 11:30 just because. I love them dearly for all of this and so much more. Peace, love, and hand grenades.
Willis A.

Holes shaped like love....

I have been trying to write this since last night. I have been sitting trying to put words down, but it has been hard. Yesterday evening at about 8:30 my mamaw closed her eyes to this world and opened them in the most beautiful place there is. My mamaw was the most precious person that I will ever have the privalege of knowing. The lady was under five feet tall but she was a giant. Next to my mom she has been the most influential woman in my life. My grandmother taught me to read my bible. She showed me the joy of sitting in silence and being with God. She was the most compassionate and kind person that I will ever know. She was a beautiful lady. Her family meant the most to her next to God. Last night I was sitting in the house thinking about my life with her. I was at Mamaw's house every day from the time I was born until the day I left home for college. She made the best fried chicken ever. I would put money on it. She made quilts. That was kind of her ministry. She would make quilts for children born into our church and for couples who were getting married. She was a woman who loved life and God and family. I know that this is short and I know that it does not do Mamaw justice. I just wanted to put something down so that everyone can see the woman who I knew and loved so much. Thank you guys for taking the time to read this.

My List

Last night Alyssa and I were talking and some how we got onto the conversation of what we love. We just started listing things out. This is my list. I have 25 things here and I could have went longer. The only rule was that this had to be things and not people. Here goes....

Things that I love, in no particular order. This list does not count people, just things.
1. Early morning drives when it feels like no one else exists except for you.
2. Old comfortable blue jeans. I have two pair.
3. The smell of rain.
4. Old cars
5. Good books
6. The unfiltered joy that is college baseball
7. Fishing with Dad
8. Friday nights in the fall
9. That little two week period in the early fall when the weather turns all cool and beautiful.
10. Opening day of baseball season.
11. Carhartt chore coats, I have three ranging from thread bare to brand new.
12. Bass Pro caps
13. The beautiful sight of a defensive lineman getting ear holed by a pulling guard
14. The smell of frying chicken at Mamaw’s house.
15. Mountain man beards
16. Rediscovering old music
17. Clint Eastwood cowboy movies
18. Mamaw’s quilts
19. I.B.C. Rootbeer in a bottle
20. The way girls smell good
21. Being so deep in the woods that no one except for yourself knows where you are.
22. That feeling I get every fall down deep in my soul that lets me know that it is football time.
23. Watching athletes and people in general who give their all knowing that they are going to come up short.
24. Pigeon Mountain, need I say more?
25. The sound of a train in the distance, wishing I could jump on.
26. The late night conversations with friends that truly love and care about me.

Banging My Head...

This weekend I was sitting around a fire with 11 of my best friends and I spilled my heart out. I have slowly come to grips with the reality that I do not know what I want to do after college. I am headed into my final year as a Histort Education major. I am almost finished and I can see the light at the end of this tunnel. The only problem with that is the light is a train. I have been doing this way too long to give up, and if I were to change my major my parents would kill me. I have to finish this. At this point in my life I really have no choice. Right now I have so much stuff on my mind and in my head. Maybe once I get into my student teaching I will regain the excitement that I had for teaching. Right now I am so thankful to have friends to discuss this with. They do not realize the help that they have been. This really has not been much of a post, but whatever I have put digital pen to paper. Good night S.E. Tennessee! Peace, love and hand grenades.

What I want to do

I want to run. I want to get away from everything that is surrounding me. I just want to go away and not have to worry about what anyone thinks. I want to pick up my pack and head out. I need time to clear my head. I want to figure things out. What do I do after this ride is over? Do I seek the one thing I want so much and risk giving up what I have? But then again, if I do leave I am missing parts of this ride that I am on here. I would risk losing this thing that I have built and am working on. It would be great to catch a ride to Blue Ridge or Suches and then be off. I could hit the A.T. and bring spring north with me. That is what I want to do. Its too cold right now, but i would do it if given the chance. Maybe I can do some time during spring break. Right now is just not a good time. There is a reason that I am here.

Here we are on the edge of a new year. Hope next year is alot like the last three months and nothing at all like the nine that came before that. It is going to be pretty good. I can feel it. I need to make a better effort in my classes next semester and I have got to quit being so scared. What is the worst that can happen.

Today is December 26 and I am ready to go back to Cleveland. Don't get me wrong. I love being at home and hanging out with the family. I just want to get started back with school. Im so excited for where this next semester is going to bring me. There is so much stuff going on. Im just ready to get it started. Part of why I am so ready to head back is that I miss people. You get used to being with people everyday and then you arent together any more. It hurts. It'll be okay. There isnt a whole lot of time left.

Five years ago tonight I experienced on of the greatest things ever. Some people may think this is pretty neat and others may say that Im a redneck but I don't care. My brother Justin, (J.B.) and I were out driving around our podunk little town looking for something to do. It had been rainy, much like this week, so we took his '85 Jimmy up on the mountain. This was the infamous 'Toy Box'. This was a S-10 style and not the full size, but it was a 4X4. So we get up to the top of the mountain and start driving back towards the top entrance when J.B. has this genius idea. We are ripping down the road, mud and water everywheres, when he sees this fairly large and deep mud hole on the side of the road. "I think we can take that hole". That's what he said. I, being the smart older brother that I am told him no and that he was a moron for thinking that. Well, that did not stop him. He cut a U-turn and went back to the mud hole. I told him it was a bad idea. I honestly tried to stop him. He pulls up to the hole and puts the Jimmy into four-wheel drive. I told him that if he was going to do it to go hard and stay right. There had obviously been a much larger vehicle to go through that hole recently. He guns the truck and we get about half way, mud flying. Then we stop. Then water starts running in under the doors. We sat there, not knowing what to do. All I could do was say 'I told you so'. We called everyone we knew to come pull us out. No one was available. We tried to get every body, anybody. Finally after about an hour of sitting there pondering what to do we decided to call Dad. My dad is a great man and I consider him one of my best friends. The only deal is that the man can not stand stupid people. At that moment we felt pretty stupid. So we call home and tell dad about what happend. He says 'O.K., I will be there in a bit'. That was it. All he said. So in the meantime its freezing. Spittin snow. Cold. water every where. Its dark. Finally at about 8 p.m. I hear my truck coming down the road. Its Dad. He pulls up next to us and just smiles. I really was not expecting that. So we hook the Jimmy up with a come-a-long and try to slowly pull it out. The come-a-long snaps. So then again we are out of luck. We have to load up in my truck and drive all the way to town and buy a tow-strap. Finally, two hours later we get back up to the Jimmy, which is still firmly planted in the red clay. Fifteen minutes later we are out. Dad walks up to the mud hole that we attempted to conquer and he just laughs. That was it. He laughed. We were waiting all night to get 'when I was your aged'. What we did not realize at the time was that he couldn't do that. He was us. He busted the front glass out of his Bronco when the chain snapped. He was 18. Stuck in a field not too far from where we were. He cut gates and wires down when people were trying to restrict public use of Pigeon, which is public land. He did things we never dreamed of doing. He climbed his 6'2" 270 pound self onto the top of the high school gym and painted God knows what. He had been there before. I was 20 and for the first time in my life realized that my dad was so much more like me than I knew. Other than coming home frozen and with red clay up to my arm pits it was a pretty good night.

I am sitting here thinking about stuff and how this year has gone. I am in a much better place right now than I was a year ago. Life has been pretty good here lately. I have found friends that never existed to me until last January. I have removed people from my life who only brought me down. I do not worry nearly as much as I used to and that is a good thing. I am still working on things, and life is not perfect by any means. I have found it hard to care about what others think of me. I am me and if you do not like it then that is your problem. I like who I am and who I am becoming. People can't get me down any more. There are very few things that I can not handle right now.

What causes a man to decide that life is not worth living anymore? How can you say 'okay, well, I'm finished'. How can life be that bad? Suff does suck at times but that does not really give a reason to end your life, does it?