Ask me.  That's all.  Just ask me.

I can not express how glad I am that school is back in session.  Right now it is all that matters.  School.  Finishing school, getting a job.  That is what I have got to do.  Even if at times I feel that everything is falling down around my ears and no one really understands, I have to finish this.   I guess I have got no excuse not to now.  I have no distractions.  I have no one competing for my time.  So I will finish.  I will finish strong.  It will be a good semester.  Somewhere everything will make sense and come clear, but I cant worry now.  I cannot dwell on everything.  Life is good and I am living it.  Everything is goin to be alright.

You ever felt like crap and felt like the whole world is falling apart?  That is how I have been feeling lately.  Things have changed and well, they are not what I expected them to be at this point.  I know that they will be better.  I know that one day the ache in my chest and head will be gone.  The anxiety and worries will disappear.  Right now it is a hard go, but one day everything will be alright.  A few minutes ago I got to thinking about a friend.  He is going through many things right now.  His struggles are so much greater than mine.  I really feel for the guy and I pray for him daily.  I know it may sound bad but I look at him and am thankful that I am not going through what he is.   

Moving on, or just barely moving?

So I thought that I had everything under control.  I thought that I had it all figured out, and I thought that I was ok.  Turns out that I am not.  I am not ok.  School starts on Monday and that will be a really good change.  This will finally be my last semester of school.  I know that it has taken me forever, but I would not have changed a thing.  not a single thing.  I am torn like an old sweater, but life will be ok.  Everything is going to turn out.  It wont be what I expected it to be but it will be good.

If you ask questions and get no answers should you keep asking questions or just come to the realization that you will never get answers.  I guess I will just keep the questioning to myself.

This past week was the best week of my summer up to this point.  I took a very much needed week off from work, and I went to middle Tennessee to visit some friends.  I don't know what I expected or wanted.  I just went hoping to just relax and not think quite so much.  And for the most part this is what I got.  Although I did sit and talk out some stuff that is happening in my life.  Its good to know that even though everything is falling down around your ears, people still care and love you.  That's one thing I learned this week.  I am loved.  I just hope I am half the friend that my friends are...

This last week I have been floating, just kinda adrift.  Not sure of where I am.  I have totally lost my bearings.

I am sitting here with so much on my mind.  I am confused and bothered by so much stuff right now.  Most of it has to do with the world we in which we live, in general.  I just want to yell.  I want to walk outside and scream at the top of my lungs, but I know that wont make anything better.  It wont fix anything.  I wont have a great relief from this stress and everything else that I am feeling.  I would like to punch a kitten. I want the world to be right.  I want Doc Brown to come running up to be with plutonium, a flux capacitor and a DeLoreon DMC-12...

3 words.  I heard/read them the first time in a long time the other night... I know everything isn't all better, but that is a start.

Music.... I love music.  This was gonna be a post all about how the music that I listen to is better than what you listen to...  but that's not right.  That is kinda mean.  Just listen to whatever you want to.  Listen to what makes you happy.  If Taylor Swift and other over produced stuff makes you happy, well, listen to it.  To each their own...  I know that I am a music snob and I get kinda bothered when bands that I like hit it big and change their sound,.. but that is not a way to be.  Music is awesome... I love music...

All I want is one thing.  One thing in this entire world.  She has her dreams and wants and needs and I have mine.  She is fulfilling her's.  Mine are taking longer than anticipated and it is no one's fault but my own.  This is so much harder than anything else in my life.  I am lost and doing what I have to.  I have to do school, I have to graduate.  That is what I have got to do right now.  Maybe once that is done, everything will fall back into place. I pray that it does.  One thing... I could have absolutely nothing in life and still be utterly happy.

What is love?  noun-

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

Paul writes-

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:1-13)

This has been in my head lately.  I keep thinking about it.  I am tired of throwing the word 'love' around like it can cover everything.  I say I love my family and that I love steak, but I can not love the both in the same way.  I really like steak, I do not love it.  There is a difference between like and love.  Love can do many things.  I want to love like Christ.  I want to love others the way that Christ loves me.  I want to stop judging folks so quickly.  I want to love those who I claim to love like they deserve to be loved.  I want to stop being short with people.  I want to really love...  I hope I love like I should.  I catch myself wondering if I love enough.  If I am living up to my words.  I hope I am....  I may add to this later...  I want to expound on it, but i want to publish it too... 

This week has not been a very fun week.  There are times when I am ok and then there are times when I am on the verge of a breakdown.  I just want things to be normal and without stress and without fear.  For once in my life I am scared.  I am down right petrefied.  Right now I am doing everything that I can.  I am staying in the Word and am praying and that is what I can do right now.  I want God's will.  The sad thing is that I am not very sure what that is right now.  I think I know.  I am pretty sure of it, but then doubt creeps in. I feel like I am stuck in a sad movie and I am waiting on the good part at the end where it isn't sad anymore.  That is all that I am waiting on.  I am gonna sit here and eat my popcorn and wait.